Friday, March 13th

I must say that today was not what I had expected. So now, you are asking yourself , What did she expect? I'm not sure. You see, today would have been my Mother's 68th birthday. The last birthday she celebrated was 19 years ago. In all that time, this is the first year that the thought of her birthday has been more than a fleeting thought. In fact, I found myself, on several different days thinking about my Mother and her birthday. My Mother had many friends. Would any of them remember that today was her birthday? Would any of them think of her? What about her family? Would my Grandmother and Uncles think about her today? And , what about her children? Am I the only child that remembered this day? I also thought about how my life would be different if she were still here. I know that I would not live where I live, this was her house. I would not have the job I have now. OF course, I'm not sure what job I would have. It could be the same one, just in a different city. Other than that, I'm not sure how different my life would be. What about my siblings? If my Mother was still alive, would the 5 of us be more involved in each other's lives? I have 2 siblings that I am talk to on a regular basis and 2 siblings that I rarely have any type of communication with at all. It is their choice and it took me a long time to except that they could throw away what was so valued by my parent's . . . FAMILY.

I guess, I thought today would have been a more emotional day for me. Maybe even a sad day. I have never really been emotional about my Mother's death. We were raised in a Christian home. We were taught "Absent from the body, present with the Lord." We prayed that she would be not be taken from us. But I think that was selfish of us. She was in great pain for several months. She was no longer the vibrant, do-it-all person that she had once been. I feel she went through a lot more than she had to because we were praying and God was giving us what we wanted.
My Mother was a wonderful woman. She loved her family. She loved her friends and she loved little children. She was always eager to lend a hand and help in any way she could. I was privileged to have her in my life and even though she is no long her, she still influences me in many ways. I am a stronger and more caring person because of her.

But I have also learned that people make choices and sometimes you need to let those choices direct the relationships, to let go. It does not mean that you have stopped loving. It just means that you no longer allow yourself to be hurt. I hope the impact that I leave on others will equal the impact that my Mother left on me.